May 3rd
I thought of death today. I wanted to just slowly curl up into a ball and go to sleep.
May 2nd
When you try your best… but you don’t succeed. And all of the tries you gave, all of the effort you put into it, fall apart because you just can’t seem to accomplish an ultimate goal. You fail not only yourself, but your family, your friends, people you don’t really know. Everyone see’s the failure that you are, and the problems you have. And when you get what you want… but not what you need.
When you’re so tired… but you can’t sleep.
April 30th,
There are days in my life where I think about death more often than not. Where I find myself in the state of mind where everything is a tool to my demise. Today was one of those days.
April 11th,
I can’t seem to go a day without fucking something up. I keep finding another way to anger the people I love the most. I keep saying the wrong thing. My actions apparently speak louder than the thing I say, and apparently my actions are all wrong. I don’t do anything right now days.
Why do people always seem to upset with me? Everyone treads lightly around me, and holds their tongues, and they don’t tell me things. It’s like I’m just there because they don’t want to tell me off or push me away entirely, but they’re unsure of how to proceed.
I can’t do anything right.
April 9th
I don’t know what to do to make you understand my pain. It’s not right, that I spend my time like this. I don’t want to hate you, and I don’t want to be mad at you, because you’re my friend, but it’s so difficult to put into words how un-wanted I feel. How unloved I feel.
March 22nd
I am starting to believe that we’re all products of our parents. But, not in the nature sense. In the nurture sense. The choices my dad made, the mistakes he’s done with trying to keep me to the mold he set, have made me into the tolerant and open person I am today. Genetically, I have a lot of my dads good qualities. He can be charming and logical, and he’s passionate. And I strive to stay away from his bad qualities, the closed mind and the complete hatred he can hold. And it’s the fact that he’s like that, the fact that he can be a real ass, is what’s driven me to not be a total ass.
I miss him some days. I haven’t talked to him in over eight months. He doesn’t approve of my mental health needs, and he believes that I’m a sinner, and God will damn me to hell. Why, when I’m trying to be a better person, would I talk to someone like that?
No, some days I miss him. And some days I’m glad I’ve distanced myself from his ever downward spiral.
March 21st
I’m sorry I’m so attached to home. That I’ve been called a run away so many times that I don’t see the point in going away. I’d rather stay at home where I feel safe and as if I belong than go off to somewhere far away from the place I know to be my own. I’m sorry you cannot face your problems here, so you flee to getting away.
But then again, I’m not sorry.
Not at all.
But some things that hurt also can heal, and sometimes, the bad is followed by the good. I don’t want to let go of something that hurts me from time to time, when the good times really do outshine the bad. It’s not fair that the bad times come and people focus on those. I want the good times, the happy times, the weekend times. Times when you care. And when that time fades, and you act like you don’t… well, that’s when I start to hurt, and I want to let you go.
(Source: staypozitive)
she dreamed of para-para-paradise
This is where I attempt to put them into words.
